This morning, in a contemplative mood, I have been rereading old journals–the big Lee Valley, bound journals go all the way back to 2001! I keep finding quotations and poems and amazing passages about my ideal life (I have been fantasizing about leaving the college for at least 10 years–that in itself is a revelation). I’m putting the notebooks in chronological order and replacing them on the shelf. I’m trying not to feel foolish…and slow.
“Listening to your heart is not simple. Finding out who you are is not simple. It takes a lot of hard work and courage to get to know who you are and what you want.” -Sue Bender
The shooting at SPU, where I taught briefly, is part of this despondency. I remind myself that I loved my students and got a lot back from them, that I learned as much from them as they ever learned from me. The key is not to recriminate, but to learn and grow, to keep doing the hard work and showing the courage to know myself and what I want.